I am a functioning depressed person. I can chat, cook, shop, babysit,
pay bills, wash, clean – all those tasks I need to keep my home and family
running. But what I want to do is read and occupy someone else’s life.
And I cannot write.
There is silence inside my heart.
The feelings are so strong that my words shut down.
Spring has become a trap for me-
I long for the new life around me and yet I encounter the
memories of death and loss. I lost my sister-
a woman who was part of myself-
the other side of myself –
Fifteen years ago.
I started this blog 5 years ago when I finally could
write again and for the first year all I really wrote about
was her. And those final 10 weeks of her life as we
battled against the cancer that took her.
Ten weeks- all of Spring and then she was gone.
And Spring was gone- and has forever after become a time
of hope and loss. And…
That silent place within my heart.
I look at budding flowers and see her gardens.
I long to make them into small bouquets of tribute and hand
them out to anyone who will reach for them.
I spent my time in the Intensive Care Unit making little
nosegays and giving them away – asking for prayers- hoping
Silence breeds silence.
If I don’t shake this off, I may walk away-
and I don’t want to do that.
I have made some very dear friends through this
venue of blogging and losing you would diminish
my life more than I can say.
So please forgive me –
I will be back as soon as I can find something
positive to say.
And thank you for your friendship.