I have had a very strong streak of melancholy all of my life.
And mild depression from late childhood on- I would write and read to self medicate, looking for a release or an escape. Then, after a while, the burden would lift and I could come back to and go on about the business of living.
I pray and read the Bible. I meditate upon the joy of the Lord- I seek out ways to validate my existence and try to surround myself with those “whatsoever” things in Philippians 4:8- searching for the true, noble, right, pure , lovely,admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things to think about.
(And discover that I just don’t fit into any of those categories)
It has been a tough week.
Depression is not only ugly- it is a magnifier of ugliness. Seen through its filter, EVERYTHING is ugly. Especially, me.
I can’t look in a mirror. Can’t look at photographs, can barely look at my hands without being repulsed. Everything I accomplish seems to be mired in the filthy lies of ugliness- and while I reach out for beauty- it become besmirched by my touch.
I once took a class on dealing with the fatigue that comes with cancer and other debilitating diseases, and they described the daily battle as so huge, that to a patient looking at a flight of stairs, the thought of making it to the top is akin to scaling a mountain. That is where I have been- from where I am struggling to emerge.
Phone calls are so difficult that I let the phone ring.
Visits are a huge endeavor.
Getting dressed and washing my hair is a goal I hope to reach by 4 PM.
Making dinner is an all day task.
I haven’t given up. I am fighting with all my strength – and trusting in God when my strength fails. But the battle is in all realms- physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. I am functioning- but not well.
I have no recipe- no picture – no anecdote- no answer.
What I have is hope.
This shall pass.
“All shall be well and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well” Julian of Norwich
” Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5,6
Scarlett: I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow. from Gone With The Wind
( I apologize if this gets you down. I meant to open a window to get in some fresh air and offer a glimpse into the well of depression. PLEASE do not respond by suggesting I go to a doctor for drugs- I don’t deal well with doctors OR drugs. I promise I won’t write about this again, but it is part of who I am- and I am a big believer in the truth of vulnerability.)