When Silence enters the heart.

I am a functioning depressed person.  I can chat, cook, shop, babysit,

pay bills, wash, clean – all those tasks I need to keep my home and family

running.  But what I want to do is read and occupy someone else’s life.

And I cannot write.

There is silence inside my heart.

The feelings are so strong that my words shut down.

Spring has become a trap for me-

I long for the new life around me and yet I encounter the

memories of death and loss.  I lost my sister-

a woman who was part of myself-

the other side of myself –

Fifteen years ago.

I started this blog 5 years ago when I finally could

write again and for the first year all I really wrote about

was her.  And those final 10 weeks of her life as we

battled against the cancer that took her.

Ten weeks- all of Spring and then she was gone.

And Spring was gone- and has forever after become a time

of hope and loss.  And…

That silent place within my heart.

I look at budding flowers and see her gardens.

I long to make them into small bouquets of tribute and hand

them out to anyone who will reach for them.

I spent my time in the Intensive Care Unit making little

nosegays and giving them away – asking for prayers- hoping

for miracles.

Silence breeds silence. 

If I don’t shake this off, I may walk away-

and I don’t want to do that.

I have made some very dear friends through this

venue of blogging and losing you would diminish

my life more than I can say.

So please forgive me –

I will be back as soon as I can find something

positive to say. 

And thank you for your friendship.

14 thoughts on “When Silence enters the heart.

  1. Oh darling, spring is hard on us as we get older and it sounds really tough where you are right now. I watched something yesterday which reminds me of what you are saying abiout your feelings. An American stand up comedian talking about losing his child while at the same time producing his routines and going on the Johnny Carson show. I cried while I listened to him. We all have our own way of living through these times, I hope you find some good books to inhabit and if you do come out from behind the covers at times, do come and say hello. I too love it when you visit. No idea if this is what you need to hear, but sending love xx Joanna

    • Thank you, Joanna- it always helps to hear from those people you love and respect. I don’t think I NEED to hear anything special- just to know that you haven’t given up on me. I just couldn’t think of anything to say on the blog that seemed both real and positive.
      So I didn’t say anything.

  2. I’ve been worried. I look for you daily on skype, but you’re not there, so I was hoping – hoping – you were incredibly busy with your grandkids and didn’t have time to blog. I’m so sorry that hasn’t been the case. You know that both Jo and I understand the ups and downs, Heidi, and we love it when we get the chance to chat to you.

    I hope you continue to blog. I’ve always used mine as a way to force myself to see the good things in my life – to be relentlessly positive even when things are rough. It really is my therapy, and I hope you can find some way to make it work for you too. But ultimately, we blog for ourselves, so the decision whether or not to continue is up to you. Know that you have become very dear to all of us, and we’ve been missing you. xx

    • Oh Celia- it did start out that way. Grandchildren and busy times. But when they left suddenly the floor fell out underneath me and I plummeted into a deep hole. I get up every day and plan on writing- I haven’t even uploaded my pictures of the boys yet. I’ve been making it through each day- but not with any extra energy or – well – I was just keeping quiet so I wouldn’t break out into tears.
      Anyway- I don’t want to worry you- and I think the reason I decided to just come out and admit my melancholy was so that I wouldn’t have to wait to post until I was genuinely happy.
      I made a bitter melon salad today that I was thinking about sharing the recipe- and then I thought maybe I’ll try to get a picture or two-
      I’m not sure what I’m going to do. 🙂

      • Heidi,
        I understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling. My depression is very deep sometimes, but it never goes away. It is not something that is easy to overcome. I know Jesus, love him, trust him but my depression still lingers in my soul. There are many days that go by, where I never leave the house. I love people, but at times I just can’t face putting a smile on my face, when my heart is aching. My depression started when my Mother passed away. She was so young at 51. My best friend. Then the depression really overcame me when Paulie went into his coma. His body is still here, but for the most part I have lost his fellowship. I miss him so much. Some days are harder than others. Once in a while, I have a good day, which I am thankful for. My granddaughters help me a lot, but I still have a piece of my heart missing.
        So my dear friend, I truly understand where you are at and what you are saying. I know how much you loved Robin and how much she loved you. As long as you have those sweet memories, she is never far from you. The reunion in heaven will be so sweet. I am praying for you my dear friend.

        • Hi Donna- thanks for the prayers and your response.
          I know you understand- depression does not have a quick solution. It is one day at a time- some better than others- but still there.
          I hate when it incapacitates me and keeps me from reaching out or even writing. I don’t talk about it a great deal, but when I don’t post for a couple of weeks I need to at least say something or it will become an issue and then I won’t want to just ignore the long silence.
          I am thankful for the support and understanding. I have wonderful friends. And a great and loving God.

    • Thank you, Lily- I treasure your prayers.
      I should be able to get by without this deep sadness every year, but it trips me up. I just go very quiet and let the Lord heal up the sorrow a little at a time.

  3. Heidi sending you biggest, squeasiest kind of hug. There is no pressure to blog, you blog when you are ready and when it feels right, we’ll all still be here.
    Silence honouring your sisters beautiful memory…I think that can be a good thing, a lovely thing. If there are no words don’t force what isn’t there. I still have to remind myself of that sometimes. If you ever felt like it, maybe posting some pictures, no words at all of the flowers and bouquets you speak of. This blog is for you, not anyone else and you do what you need to do. Thinking of you, my strong, amazing, grandmotherly friend from across the seas.

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