I am a functioning depressed person. I can chat, cook, shop, babysit,<\/p>\n
pay bills, wash, clean \u2013 all those tasks I need to keep my home and family<\/p>\n
running. But what I want to do is read and occupy someone else\u2019s life.<\/p>\n
And I cannot write.<\/p>\n
There is silence inside my heart.<\/p>\n
The feelings are so strong that my words shut down.<\/p>\n
Spring has become a trap for me- <\/p>\n
I long for the new life around me and yet I encounter the<\/p>\n
memories of death and loss. I lost my sister-<\/p>\n
a woman who was part of myself-<\/p>\n
the other side of myself –<\/p>\n
Fifteen years ago.<\/p>\n
I started this blog 5 years ago when I finally could<\/p>\n
write again and for the first year all I really wrote about<\/p>\n
was her. And those final 10 weeks of her life as we <\/p>\n
battled against the cancer that took her.<\/p>\n
Ten weeks- all of Spring and then she was gone.<\/p>\n
And Spring was gone- and has forever after become a time<\/p>\n
of hope and loss. And\u2026<\/p>\n
That silent place within my heart.<\/p>\n
I look at budding flowers and see her gardens.<\/p>\n
I long to make them into small bouquets of tribute and hand<\/p>\n
them out to anyone who will reach for them.<\/p>\n
I spent my time in the Intensive Care Unit making little<\/p>\n
nosegays and giving them away \u2013 asking for prayers- hoping<\/p>\n
for miracles.<\/p>\n
Silence breeds silence. <\/p>\n
If I don\u2019t shake this off, I may walk away-<\/p>\n
and I don\u2019t want to do that. <\/p>\n
I have made some very dear friends through this<\/p>\n
venue of blogging and losing you would diminish<\/p>\n
my life more than I can say.<\/p>\n
So please forgive me –<\/p>\n
I will be back as soon as I can find something<\/p>\n
positive to say. <\/p>\n
And thank you for your friendship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am a functioning depressed person. I can chat, cook, shop, babysit, pay bills, wash, clean \u2013 all those tasks I need to keep my home and family running. But what I want to do is read and occupy someone … Continue reading